Copy-cat cocoa
The Sun’s back-page story about Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s deserved bollocking of Manchester United players made Mediawatch giggle for this sentence:
‘The players had never seen him so angry – and he appears to have learnt his hairdryer trick from legendary former United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.’
One question: How do the billions of people who have never played under Sir Alex Ferguson ever learn how to shout? YouTube?
Welsh rarebit
‘Manchester United first-team coaches watch Gareth Bale train’ – Manchester Evening News.
(And Will Vaulks. And Paul Dummett. And Chris Maxwell. And the rest of the Wales squad.)
Dangerous minds
The Daily Mirror have opted to pile more pressure onto Maurizio Sarri on their back page; they really will not rest until he is gone and has been replaced by somebody (preferably English) who talks to the press. Frank Lampard, ideally, though he is ballsing up the dreams of a hundred members of the media by doing a Derby at Derby.
John Cross (hyperbole) and David Maddock (interviews) write:
‘MAURIZIO SARRI’S future is under fresh scrutiny, with his players warning finishing sixth is not good enough for Chelsea.’
We’re pretty sure that Sarri knows that finishing sixth is not good enough for Chelsea; we don’t think his players pointing that out puts his future ‘under fresh scrutiny’.
‘The Blues are in danger of missing out on the Champions League and have the second-worst away record of the top six Premier League clubs.’
Alternatively…
Tottenham are in danger of missing out on the Champions League and have the worst home record of the top six Premier League clubs.
Arsenal are in danger of missing out on the Champions League and have the worst away record of the top six Premier League clubs.
Manchester United are in danger of missing out on the Champions League and have the second-worst home record of the top six Premier League clubs.
Newsflash: There are four teams fighting for two Champions League places. They are all in danger of missing out on the Champions League.
Guardians of the fallacy
International week does funny things to folk. Even folk at The Guardian. Their gossip headline is a doozy on Tuesday morning:
‘Football transfer rumours: Mané out, Varane in at Liverpool?’
That question mark is doing an awful lot of work in that very, very exciting headline. But not half as much work as the word ‘may’ here:
‘With Chelsea facing a transfer ban and therefore reluctant to sell even if that means losing Hazard for nothing next year, and Madrid not keen on facing Daniel Levy, the Spanish club reckon Mané is the most gettable of the trio.
‘To smooth that transaction, Real may offer Liverpool Raphaël Varane, who has reportedly decided it is time to leave Spain for a new experience.’
Indeed they may. But it seems unlikely. Which The Guardian absolutely know, especially as L’Equipe – who break the news that Varane wants to leave (probably to help him get a new contract) – make no mention of Liverpool being interested in Varane. We know this because we consulted Sport Witness, who can speak foreign and everything.
The only people suggesting that Liverpool might want Varane? Don Balon and The Guardian. What fine company you keep.
‘Remember that all of this may be hooey, the Mill is just telling recycling chat.’
In this case, it’s pretty much all your own hooey, fellas. It’s at least good to know that nobody is above chasing clicks hard.
You want me to Google that for you?
Mediawatch agrees with Martin Samuel in the Daily Mail (it can happen) that Jurgen Klopp will not have failed if this Liverpool side comes second to Manchester City this season, but – and there is always a but – we have to take issue with these paragraphs:
‘Klopp’s run of six defeats in cup finals is derided without mentioning that in only one of those would his team be favoured to win.
‘Borussia Dortmund were fancied to beat Wolfsburg in the 2015 German Cup; but were they fancied to beat Bayern Munich in 2013 and 2014? No. Were Liverpool fancied to beat Manchester City? No. Sevilla? No. Real Madrid? No.’
We were with you right up until Sevilla, Martin. Unlike you, we checked our gut instinct that Liverpool were favourites to win that particular final with a very quick Google. Try it some time.
SEO-oh-oh-oh
Judging by this SEO article I’ve just spotted, there are some really interesting google searches going on right now pic.twitter.com/k78dYFi9wW
— Amitai Winehouse (@awinehouse1) March 18, 2019
What a bizarre media we now have, when ‘Harry’s Heroes’ is on ITV and it’s somebody at The Sun‘s job to do this…
‘How old is Robbie Fowler, who is his wife and what is the ex-Liverpool striker up to now?’
‘Who is Neil ‘Razor’ Ruddock? Everything you need to know about the former professional footballer’
‘How old is David Seaman and who’s his Dancing on Ice star wife Frankie Poultney?’
‘How old is Paul Merson, who is his wife, and did the ex-Arsenal star have a drinking and gambling addiction?’
‘How old is Matt Le Tissier, who’s the ex-Southampton striker’s wife, and how many times did he play for England?’
‘Who is Chris Waddle? Everything you need to know about the former pro footballer appearing on Harry Redknapp’s TV programme’
‘How old is Ray Parlour, who’s the ex-Arsenal star’s wife, and was his nickname the ‘Romford Pele’?’
‘Who is Lee Sharpe and how old is the former pro footballer and Harry’s Heroes star?’
‘Who is Mark Chamberlain, who’s his wife, and is his son Liverpool ace Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain?’
‘Who is Mark Wright, who is his wife and is the ex-Liverpool defender appearing in Harry’s Heroes a foster parent?’
Who decided this was a good idea? How old is he, who is his wife and how many times does he cry every day?
Present day
It’s also a world where Philippe Coutinho trains alongside Ederson for Brazil and this is the headline on the MailOnline:
‘That’s for you Jurgen! Former Liverpool man Philippe Coutinho rounds Manchester City goalkeeper Ederson in training as Brazil prepare for Panama and Czech Republic.’
He will be ever so pleased. What more could a man want than a training-ground goal from a player he used to manage?
Supersnub
France Football have released a list of the top 50 managers in the history of football. Put it through The Sun filter and what do you get?
‘DISGRACE’ Top 50 bosses ever revealed…with Klopp ABOVE Wenger and Jose snubbed’
That would be Jose ‘snubbed’ all the way down to 13th best manager ever.
Absolute madness
‘Back in the old Nottingham Forest days, Stuart Pearce knew the importance of getting the lads together for nights out.
‘He’d organise trips to Madness concerts and make sure everyone stopped off at the local Army and Navy Store for a pair of Doc Martens on the way.’
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Stan Collymore commences his column on Wolves in the Daily Mirror. But then of course you knew that already…
Missing in action
And here’s Stan on one of the key factors in this season’s touch-tight title race:
‘The key issue during this international break for supporters of Manchester City and Liverpool to look out for is which players come through unscathed.
‘That’s because an injury to a key player – a Virgil van Dijk or Sergio Aguero – could be vital in the race for the Premier League title.’
Pesky fact: Sergio Aguero has not been called up for international duty.
‘Great news’
Great news for #EFC fans…https://t.co/vz7xrbYAk3
— Everton FC News (@LivEchoEFC) March 19, 2019
Mediawatch is crying.
Recommended reading of the day
Daniel Storey on Marco Silva lifting the Everton gloom
Mark Sochon on football in Madrid’s satellite towns
Amy Lawrence on ‘bottle’
