“They thought I had died and just put me in the ambulance.”
Former Blackburn Rovers striker Matt Jansen was in a coma for six days after he was seriously injured in a road accident while on holiday in 2002.
It happened after a successful 16-goal season, which had led to him almost making the England squad for the World Cup in Japan and South Korea.
Jansen, who had been the subject of interest from Manchester United, Arsenal and Italian side Juventus, later returned to playing but was convinced he had been brain damaged in the accident and became troubled by depression and anxiety.
Here, he tells BBC Radio Lancashire about the “dark times” in his life, which are documented in his new autobiography ‘What Was, What Is and What Might Have Been‘.
‘I was told I was going to the World Cup’
To win the League Cup and get called up by England, my ego was as big as it has ever been. I was at the top of my game, getting more and more confident.
I was told I was going to the World Cup. The team was going to be announced the day after the penultimate game of the season.
We were playing Liverpool and Sven [Goran Eriksson] told Graeme Souness, who was Blackburn manager, not to tell me but say “don’t get injured” because I was going to be named in the World Cup squad.
Graeme knew how I ticked and that it would give me a bit of a shot in the arm by telling me “by the way, don’t get injured because you are going to the World Cup”.
I went out and played well. We got beat 4-3 but I managed to score, had a decent game and came through it unscathed.
Next day we go for a warm-down and Graeme says “you can stay in and listen to your name being announced – but you are in it – or you can come out for a warm-down and head tennis”.
I went out and came back in, and the squad still wasn’t announced.
There was a further delay so I packed up and started driving home. As I was driving home, the squad was announced on the radio but my name was missed off the list. I was thinking: “What is going on here?”
I rang my brother-in-law, who was my agent at the time, and it transpired that they ended up taking Martin Keown instead. He never played a minute of the World Cup.
I had been told I was going. I got my invitation to the David Beckham pre-launch party, I got measured for my suit, I was proud as punch and then I don’t get to go at the 11th hour.
‘I was 24 and my time was coming’
Having been omitted from the squad, and with Liverpool midfielder Danny Murphy the only player placed on standby, Jansen decided to go on holiday to Rome with his girlfriend Lucy.
I was disappointed to miss out but I knew that I would get other friendlies after the World Cup and get my chance. I was 24 years old and my time was coming.
I had found possibly my future wife, I was going to Rome and nothing could be better.
We had got a taxi from the airport to the Hotel Eden at the top of the Spanish Steps and it was the worst journey I have ever had.
The way they drive in Rome, you toot the horn and have right of way I think. It is just chaotic.
So we hired this little scooter, a couple of helmets and we were pottering around Rome.
We went to the Colosseum, the Trevi Fountain and here and there. It was the best way for us to travel.
On the second day we went out again and Lucy was on the back and her helmet flew off. We were on our way back to the hotel, and were only about 600 metres from it.
We couldn’t find her helmet anywhere but there were some police parked on the side of the road and Lucy spoke to them and said: “OK if we go back to the hotel and then look for the helmet or get another helmet tomorrow?” And they said: “Yes, as long as you go straight back to the hotel” as they knew it was only 600 metres up the road.
I said “do you want my helmet?” and took it off and handed it to Lucy. She said: “No, no. You are driving; you had better keep it on.” Fortunately I did.
We were coming around a corner, maybe 50 metres from the hotel at a crossroads. So I am edging out at this crossroads and as I am edging out there is a flash across me.
A taxi smacks me on the side of the head and I take the full brunt. Lucy was thrown off the bike apparently and I was unconscious on the ground. That was me in a coma for six days.
They thought I had died at one stage and just put me in the ambulance.
She was screaming and they put a blanket over me. She was screaming “squeeze my hand, please squeeze my hand”. Apparently I did – I don’t know as I can’t remember to this day because I was obviously out of it.
They suddenly started reacting a little bit better. The hospital, apparently, was a real dodgy place, dirty and grotty.
‘I was invincible before the accident and the opposite afterwards’
Jansen eventually returned to the UK, but struggled to regain his form as he dealt with the consequences of the accident.
I couldn’t walk and was unsteady on my feet for the first few weeks.
I remember the neurosurgeon gave me mental tests. My first test, which a four or five-year-old could do, I got nearly everything wrong.
How many dots on this dog? How many legs does this caterpillar have? They were really basic questions. And I was really poor at them.
I made quite a dramatic improvement from that one to the next one. But for me, I wasn’t right. I felt “no, I am still brain damaged”.
Once I started back at Blackburn and started training with a physio, doing simple passes, I thought ‘I am not right here’. I was thinking about it instead of it just being automatic.
When you get in a car and drive you don’t think “I have got to open the door, start the engine, put it into gear”, you just do it. This was like, “the ball is coming to me, I lift my foot up, I control it”. In the past it had just been automatic.
When you have to think about something, you are taking that split-second longer. Then I was thinking “I don’t want the ball, I keep making a mistake” whereas in the past if the ball came to me and I made a mistake or miscontrolled it, it was [something I would blame on] a bumpy pitch or a bad pass to me.
I was invincible before the accident and it was the opposite after the accident. It was my fault.
Then I was crying and kept trying to convince people around me that I was brain damaged or that I was not right.
‘I was crying each night’
Jansen sought help from psychologists and Professor Steve Peters, author of the Chimp Paradox mind management programme, as he tried to cope with his anxiety.
At that time, you are thinking you are a bit nuts when you have to see a sports psychologist or psychiatrist.
Steve Peters is renowned as one of the best. He wrote this book that everyone has their inner chimp and he explained to me that you could control your chimp in your good times, but your chimp is like a little kid having a tantrum.
My chimp was negative – I’d make a mistake and it would jump on that.
I’d make another and it would compound it and get bigger and bigger and bigger to the point where I couldn’t control my chimp, and then it would just control me.
I was crying each night and it got worse and worse and worse. The lowest of the lows was drinking really heavily.
To say I was suicidal is probably true. I was just in a horrible place and desperate to get out of it.
‘Steve Peters believes I came back too soon’
Jansen returned for Blackburn in October 2002 and netted twice in the FA Cup win over Aston Villa the following January, but after six more outings without scoring, he joined Coventry on loan in 2003
Steve [Peters] believes I came back too soon. It was about four or five months.
There is no criticism on Blackburn because nobody had experienced this kind of thing before. They wanted to get me back out as quickly as possible.
They liken it to snow globes. If you shake them, you have all these flakes flying. That was like my head. I was back playing but I hadn’t settled down yet.
Because you couldn’t see it, it wasn’t like a broken leg or any injury where you have plaster on. It was inside.
I played games at Coventry but the demons were still in my head. I still didn’t believe I was back and still believed I was brain damaged and that something was wrong.
It wasn’t automatic and I had to think about everything.
The odd time when it [something good] happened everybody said: “See – there is nothing wrong.” I’d say: “I don’t know how I did it – I wasn’t in control.”
That is your subconscious just taking over. Why can’t it take over all the time? It was just sporadic. It was just crippling and I couldn’t cope with it.
‘I couldn’t say “I’m a complete wreck”‘
Back at Blackburn, Jansen came off the bench to score the winner in Mark Hughes’ first game in charge in September 2004, but he was still struggling.
I scored but, again, I wasn’t in control of it.
It just happened. Lucas Neill fired a ball into me, it fell to me in the box, I shot and it went into the roof of the net.
Coming on as a sub, I didn’t feel comfortable, my anxiety levels were still there and my chimp was still controlling me.
Afterwards with the media I said: “Yeah, I need to keep building my confidence” – you say the right things because that’s what you feel you need to say. I couldn’t say: “I am a complete wreck.”
‘I had to give myself every chance to get back’
Released by Rovers in January 2006, he joined Bolton Wanderers but left after four months.
I didn’t really want to go but I thought I had to give myself every chance to try to get back.
Sam Allardyce had a history of being able to get players back from the brink or back from struggling to playing really well again. I thought I’d give it a go.
I went for a medical and Sam was great with me. The first game we were going to play was Blackburn Rovers back at Ewood Park. It was crazy.
I really enjoyed my time with Sam and I still speak to him now. But he could not get the demons out of my head unfortunately. The same chimp kept reappearing.
‘I still have bad times but can cope a lot better’
After three years away from the game, Jansen returned with Wrexham and then had spells at fellow non-league clubs Leigh Genesis and Chorley before retiring in 2014. He then spent three years as manager of Chorley before resigning in the summer of 2018.
I was just drifting and I had no purpose in life.
I managed to come from my darkest times and then have a focus. I have got three kids, and went into management.
Now, through sessions with Steve, and being able to cope with my chimp, I still have my bad times but am now able to cope with it a lot better.
I was the happiest man in the world in 2002 when I was in Rome before the accident. If I could go back there, 100% I would.
Away from football, I have different focuses in my life and can deal with it a lot better. Anybody has bad days and good days but I can manage my bad days and I wouldn’t say they are really bad.
I had horrific times but managed to come through that.
Lucy [now Jansen’s wife] had it worse in Rome because she saw everything. Then, my bad times of drinking and baby tantrums, she took the brunt of it really.
She stood by me and managed to get me through it eventually.
