This is episode 28, so you have an awful lot of catching up to do…
The reputation of Irthlingborough as the preferred destination for ageing megastars can no longer be questioned. Finally, some of the greatest footballers to ever lace up a pair of boots have been captivated by the bright lights of the High Street, the cheap pints at Strikers, and the unmissable days out at Rushden Transport Museum and Heritage Railway. The additions of Gazza and Alessandro Costacurta, though admittedly in the autumns of their careers, is an enormous boon to the whole region. I don’t see Kettering or Northampton Town attracting legends of this calibre, do you? Absolutely not. I bet Justin Georcelin’s parents are feeling pretty stupid right now.
The exciting transfer activity doesn’t let up, however. Before I know it, ambitious Crewe Alexandra – already owners of Hannu Tihinen – appear on my front porch holding a sack containing £2.5m that they’re willing to exchange for Pa Modou Kah. As much as I like the lad… I would love a couple of million quid far more, especially since he is very much surplus to requirements. I struggle to quell my excitement as I accept their bid. He’s only valued at £500k, after all.
Chris Plummer isn’t happy at the signing of Costacurta, the ungrateful spaff. I sign one of the most decorated centre-backs in world football for you to learn from, and you’re whingeing? I was going to relegate Garry Monk to my reserves and keep Plummer around to play with Costacurta in the games where I rest Gough and Risp, but after this little outburst, he can spend some time in the stiffs and think about his attitude. Monk keeps his place in my first team squad after his exemplary behaviour. We reward appreciation and stoicism around here.
So then, Barnsley. We certainly could have had a kinder draw in the first round of the League Cup, but as I said when the fixture was announced – we know how to get through the initial rounds of this tournament, regardless of the opposition. Barnsley have made two summer signings who are now their ‘star’ players – former England goalkeeper Ian Walker, signed from Leicester City, and centre-half Richard Rufus, who I took a look at, but eventually gave up on because of his transfer fee. Barnsley nabbed him for £1.1m, which is about right, but too rich for my blood. And besides, we’ve got bloody Alessandro Costacurta, so who needs him?
My new signings give me a conundrum. There’s no question that Sir Les and Pflipsen, in particular, have been unimpressive in our opening two games. I have already decided that Bubb needs to come out for Andersson after I didn’t reward him for an excellent pre-season, and now, with an eager Gascoigne in the squad and Javan itching for a game, I have two huge decisions to make. The easy one is Gazza in for Pflipsen – experience for experience, but a fresh face and potentially a new hero for the Rushden Ultras who have made the long journey to south Yorkshire. Dropping Ferdinand is a far more difficult decision, but for today, I’m going head over heart. I love you, Sir Les, but Javan has made his case, and he’s going to get a chance to make a name for himself too.
I know it’s a controversial starting line-up, but I stand by it. I now need to trust my players to repay my faith. I fill several hip flasks with navy strength rum, secrete them about my person, and take my place in the away dugout.
It’s a pulsating first half that we dominate. Walker is forced to save from Javan and Møller, and Gazza hits a long-range effort that clangs off the post. Brandon lobs into the box and Mahouvé’s header forces another save from Walker, and just as we’re about to go in for half time, Barnsley come forward for the first time, Rankin collects a pass into the area and hits a high shot past Pinheiro to give the home side the lead at the break. We’re totally deflated as the whistle goes – there’s no question that we’ve been the better side, and my replacement players are all having good games, but we’re 1-0 down. I try to literally keep spirits up by offering my hip flasks to the players, while also playing Round Round by the Sugababes in the dressing room; a subtle reminder of the principles of karma. We’ve been far better, but were robbed in that half. Now get back out there and ying their yangs.
The second half starts similarly. The commentary is all us, and eventually, the weight of our pressure tells. Andersson hits a furious strike that Rufus deflects out for a corner, Gazza swings it in, and Marcel ‘The Missile’ Mahouvé launches himself into the sky and powers a header past Walker to tie the scores. It’s his first ever goal for the mighty Diamonds, and it’s no less than we deserve. Møller and Kalvenes are both stuck on 6s, so I hook them for Sir Les and Underwood and keep the hits coming. Javan tries to take the ball past Dixon, but the Barnsley defender slides the ball away from him – but only as far as Gazza, who strikes from the edge of the box! Walker is down low to turn the ball away once more. The former England stopper is a brick wall, summarily keeping out Brandon, Javan and Gough as we tick towards the 90. There’s enough time for Gascoigne to bash a free-kick goalwards that Walker has to save, and that’s full time – but the game isn’t over yet. We go to extra time, and I am officially out of rum.
We still look good, for my money. Gazza hasn’t played or been jogging for a few months and he’s blowing out of his arse in centre-mid, but he is completely controlling the tempo of the game, so I decide not to take him off. The first half of extra time goes by with no incident whatsoever, and at the midway point, I decide to make my final change. Perhaps controversially, I remove the quietened Javan and replace him with Bubb, who I push into AMC behind Sir Les. And you know what? You can stick a blue-and-white bow on the Manager of the Month Award and put it in the post right now. In the 117th minute, Mahouvé nods on for Sir Les to crash a shot past Walker, and a minute later, our knight of the realm causes chaos in the Barnsley area, Rufus tackles him, but the ball falls for Bubb, and he drives home our third! In the space of two extra-time minutes, two of my subs have found the net and we’ve beaten Barnsley on their patch.
My goodness, what a game. And what a squad I’ve got at my disposal now. Gazza finished on an 8, having made more passes than anyone on the pitch and controlling my central midfield. Javan was nippy and dangerous before being withdrawn, and even though I benched them, what can you say about Bubb and Sir Les coming off the side to do the business? Absolute heroes, every one of them. What an afternoon this has been.
The second-round draw is made immediately, and you’ll be stunned to hear we’ve been handed an away tie. Admittedly this time we’re only going to The Valley to play Charlton Athletic, but Chugger is in pieces out front in more ways than one. We could really do with some extra cash to buy him a roof, an engine that’s actually designed for a bus, some windows, new tyres, and headlights that don’t leak.
After my ribbing of them at the start of this episode about their not being able to sign any legends, Northampton Town go out and nab Robert Lee on a free transfer as player/coach. Fair enough, I suppose. Maroon absolutely isn’t his colour, though. In other transfer news, Legnano make a loan offer for Barzagli. He still isn’t adjusting to the English lifestyle, despite having Chiellini and Costacurta for company, so whatever – we don’t need him. I’m just not happy to let them have him for absolutely nothing, so I ask that they at least pay his wages.
The four-four-fudging-two of Huddersfield Town arrives at Nene Park for our next league game. They’ve got some good players in their side but have made a very average start to the season, going down to Chesterfield and only narrowly beating Rochdale so far. We’ve made heavy lifting of everything this season, so it would be nice if the Diamonds of last term could show up today and give the Terriers a bloody good seeing to. Gough, Gazza, Brandon and Andersson are all tired after playing through extra-time against Barnsley, so Costacurta makes his debut, and my midfield three rotate – Bubb, Pflipsen and Farnerud come in. Sir Les returns to the side in place of Møller this time – he’ll partner Javan, who I still think has a lot of potential. Once he gets on the board, I reckon the floodgates will open.
I don’t even need to reach for my newly-installed dugout drinks cabinet in the first half as we swarm all over Huddersfield, restricting them to only two shots off-target. We, on the other hand, are electric, and after Farnerud is denied by Billy Mercer from distance, Meysam Javan finally does what he’s been threatening to do ever since he arrived. He turns on the halfway line and drives at the Terriers defence, breaking through midfield, tearing past Holland, and thumping a low shot from the edge of the area that flies past Mercer to make it 1-0. A fantastic solo goal from our new signing, and doubtlessly his first strike of many for the mighty Diamonds. He and Sir Les are telepathic up top, and after the latter has three efforts saved, eventually the two combine successfully – Javan skips down the left and crosses for Sir Les to head home. He also has the ball in the net again, but it’s disallowed because Javan is offside, and the half-time whistle goes with your Diamond Geezers two goals up.
It’s been a great half, except for Karlie Pflipsen, who’s stuck on a six, so after 64 minutes, I take him off for Victor Renner – and on 66, Renner pops up to convert a Kalvenes cross to make the game safe. It’s 3-0, I sub off my most tired players, and we see the game out for a comfortable win. This was everything I wanted pre-match – a good debut for Costacurta, a virtuoso performance from man-of-the-match Javan, and an all-round excellent display. Very tidy indeed.
I feel a bit bad after the game as I read in the paper that Huddersfield boss Lou Macari is given the boot. Pretty brutal from Terriers chairman Barry Rubery, especially after they finished fifth last season, but them’s the breaks. We did make them look distinctly average there.
And speaking of distinctly average, it’s time to bid our farewells to Pa Modou Kah. After signing for £1m from Vålerenga but not particularly standing out at any point in our first season, as well as being put squarely in his place by 32-year-old Mad Dog McKinlay, Kah started this season as both my third-choice DMC and third-choice right-back after the signings of Mahouvé and Duff. He really should have been a lot better than he was. However, the fact is, if Division One’s Crewe Alexandra want to pay £2.5m for my backup players, we must be doing something right. Thanks for coming, Pa.
You won’t be forgotten for at least a few weeks.
Mike Paul – buy him a coffee, give him some sponsorship, do what you can…
